Saturday, March 24, 2012

Intuition Parenting

This post on the New York Times Motherlode blog expresses the exact emotion I have experienced reading many books by parenting "experts": anger.  Exasperation, confusion, and resentment pop up from time to time, as well.  Jacob Sager Weinstein, the author of the forthcoming parody How Not to Kill Your Baby (now, that sounds like an appropriately straightforward message!), criticizes the authors of books like What to Expect When You're Expecting and Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child for essentially terrifying parents into following their advice.  The funny thing about these "experts" is that they are consistently labeled and acknowledged as such, but what could make an individual an expert in parenting another person's child?  Sometimes this bias is acknowledged, though rarely in admission that the claimed expertise is bogus: Elizabeth Pantley, in her No-Cry Sleep Solution, explains that she came up with her sleep-through-the-night technique based on a few month experience with her own twelve-month old baby, but really glosses over the fact that, though it worked for her and may work for certain other families as well, it is essentially a unique solution to a unique problem.  Tips are great, tips are helpful, especially when coming from other parents you trust, but tips are just tips.  When someone tells you that your baby will have major psychological problems later in life because you aren't following their prescript, well, that's just blackmail.   

The appealing, but devious, premise of these books is to show very confused and insecure new parents the "right" way to raise their child.  As Weinstein notes, and I've recently experienced, as you get a little farther along in the process you gain some perspective and confidence (she really ISN'T going to go to college not knowing how to lift her head above 45 degrees / roll over / sleep longer than 3 hours at a stretch / eat without making horrible grunting noises), but those niggling doubts, the ones that creep in at 3 a.m. when she's up for the fifth time and you are sure that you really are doing something dreadfully, disgustingly wrong, are what the whole parenting-"expert" industry thrives upon. 

Reid and I are not really the types to have a "parenting philosophy," but we decided if we do have one, it is basically one that refutes the idea of having a philosophy at all.  We call it "intuition parenting," which is just an unnecessarily technical way of saying "go with what feels right at the time".  Trying to follow the "experts," against your own personality (taking into consideration strengths, limitations, and varying points at which one begins to need a stiff drink) or the personality of your child (taking into consideration needs, desires, and varying abilities to wail like an ambulance siren), is just silly.  And it makes me mad.

2 comments:

  1. There are so many for pregnancy too! I found information while flipping through the 'skinny bitch' guide to pregnancy (gift) that made me feel like I did what could comparatively be snorting a line of cocaine for eating too much BPA-containing canned food items. I closed it immediately, and used it as a coaster for my occasional 1/4 glass of very theraputic vino over the last 9 months. (Hi Bridget, from Canada Steph. Update: due today. If she doesn't like my wine and canned corn ways she can get the hell out already)

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  2. Sometimes the answer to parenting is 'confidence' (L. with faith) ...having confidence that you have what it takes within you to accomplish the task at hand. Parenting for me has been thinking and then acting for the well being of this little dependent person. I didn't need an expert in that regard. I don't need a weatherman to tell me which way the wind blows...I just need to pull my head out of my you know what and stick it out the window. from Bridget's Dad- Phil

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The Illiterate Peanut by Bridget Rector is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.